


Who Ate All The Pies?

by jenstraflintlocked



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Crack Fic, F/F, Sweeney Todd References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24543418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenstraflintlocked/pseuds/jenstraflintlocked
Summary: Jenny buys a pie which causes an investigation which tests Vastra's self-restraint
Relationships: Jenny Flint/Madame Vastra
Comments: 3
Kudos: 40





	Who Ate All The Pies?

**Author's Note:**

> I have no explanations only apologies

Many a pie had been eaten by the Paternoster Gang over the years. Mainly by Jenny, occasionally by Vastra and once by Strax, by accident. They varied their patronage of the various pie shops of London and news of a new shop was always gladly greeted. So when Parker visited with news of one Mrs Lovett who apparently had half of London in her thrall with her pies, Jenny immediately set out to procure one.

She arrived home triumphantly and cut a piece. It had become a ritual with any new pie, that Jenny would sample the pastry and Vastra would taste the meat. If either aspect failed, the pie would be discarded, usually to the Irregulars whose tastes were not so refined.

Jenny duly took her pastry and Vastra plucked some meat and simultaneously, they ate their respective pieces of the pie.

“Pastry’s not bad.” Jenny shrugged, dusting crumbs of the crust from her fingers.

“Jenny.”

“Yes my darlin’? Meat that bad is it? Shows what taste London’s got.” Jenny scoffed.

“Jenny.”

The repetition of her name got Jenny’s more focussed attention. “What?”

“This is…ape.”

“Ape?”

“Yes. Ape. This meat is ape. Take it from someone who has eaten a not inconsiderable amount of ape, this pie is made from apes.” Vastra gazed at the pie in fascination.

“An’ when you say apes…” Jenny wished to double check before she made herself throw up.

“Humans.” Vastra stood and drew a cup of water, handing it to Jenny to wash her mouth out with.

“Ugh! What?? Is this a bad joke my love cos it ain’t funny.” Jenny glowered at her wife.

“Even I would not joke about this. The meat in that pie is human.”

They both turned to stare at the pie, sitting innocuously on the kitchen table.

“Time to investigate then?”

“Yes. I think I will start frequenting the shop, see what I can find out.” Vastra noticed Jenny’s expression. “Purely investigative work my dear. Not for the pies. Although they are remarkably tasty.”

“I think I’ll ignore that last comment, thank you.” Jenny downed the rest of the water. “Personally, I think we should just go straight to Inspector Cotton.”

“Without evidence, my dear? We can hardly tell him that this is a particular area of expertise of mine, can we.”

Vastra made a good point, Jenny conceded and, after hastily disposing of the pie, bade her wife farewell, good luck and pled with her to at least TRY not to eat TOO many pies?


End file.
